Slowely Slipping Away..

I did a surveyish thing a couple days or a week ago and it was something about realizing things. I don't remember exactly everything but I remember putting about things slipping away. It's easy to let them slip away and hard to get them back.

I experienced this. I left things slip away in high school. Things that shouldn't have slipped away. Things I should still have. And in this moment, right now, I'm feeling a relationship with someone slipping away.

You're probably wondering who this is. This someone is the boyfriend. I feel that each day our relationship is getting weaker and weaker. I don't know what it is. I feel that he is the one. I don't know if that's right though. I wonder. I feel that it isn't. But I can't find the words to tell my feelings and thoughts.

I really have no clue what to say. I'm just going to continue watching The Bachelorette and think about things.


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i hate crying. =[
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Ok so the Bachelorette is over. I'm still crying because of my own relationship problems but because she left Jason heartbroken. I LOVED him. He was amazing. But it's good their gonna be friends.

Now my relationship.. I have really bad trust issues. You either have my trust or you don't. But sometimes I trust too easily. I can't change that. I know that we have been together for over a year and know each other for 5ish years. I said you have my trust or you don't. For him it's different. He has it, but yet he doesn't. I think I trusted him too easily in the begining and then changed my mind but couldn't take all of my trust away from him because I thought I loved him. It takes alot to actually love someone. At least in my mind it does. I just jumped too fast and I feel like I'm falling too fast. I don't want this to happen. I want to stay with him. But I can't decide if I actually do love him with all of my heart. I just don't know. I don't want to give up.

He had a dentist appointment after work today. I came home, without the kids. I changed into shorts and a t-shirt and curled up in the middle of the couch, with my glasses on (that I very rarely wear) and started crying. I just cried and cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I knew what time he was going to be home. I went in and cleaned my face up and left. I went and got the kids, went for a ride, went to the park, and then my parents' house. I know you shouldn't avoid people. I just couldn't see him. I woke up this morning and the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes were his eyes looking right back at me. Every other morning that melts my heart. i lay there for a moment with my arm wrapped around him and listen to him breathing. Him telling me he loves me. Telling me how beautiful I look without even trying. That didn't happenn this morning. I woke up and saw his eyes and just got out of bed. I have yet to say a word to him. I haven't spoken to him at all. It's 11:15. I've been with him now since 8. Nothing. I'm acting childish. I know. Something just isn't right. I don't know what. I can't sleep with him. I just can't. I'm going to sleep on the couch. It may be uncomfortable but I need to think. And I can't do that sleeping next to him.

It may seem that their is always something going on in my life. But their isn't. Really. It's hard to explain how their isn't. But I can't. It seems different to me.

But for now I'm going to change into sweatpants and curl up on the couch and cry myself to sleep.Maybe I'll bring both the kids out with me. That's what i did before. They make me feel so much better. Seeing both of them laying together melts my heart. I don't know what I would do without them.