51 days.

In 51 days I will start student teaching. Realizing that got me thinking about where I'm going in life. Am I going in the right path? Am I going in the wrong path? Is this what's right to help give my kids everything I didn't have as a kid? Will I find a job here? Will I need to move away? ????


All these questions. Sometimes I think TOO hard. I think too deep. I look at the bad side. Not the good. I think nothing is good enough. I won't give my kids what I didn't have. That it will be worse. I think I won't make it with what I chose to do with my life. I think I could do more with my life. Did I make the right choice? Only god knows that. Do I do my student teaching and then just give up? Do I stay a substitute forever? Should I find a permanent job? What school district should I teach in? How long will it take me to find a permanent job? Will I stay there until I retire?

Sometimes I wish I would have done something more with my life. I'm capable of doing WAY more. I'm capable of making tons of money. But that's just not me. I don't want my kids to be spoiled stuck up brats but I don't want them to be low life losers. I don't want them to get picked on. I don't want to them to have NOTHING. I want to be able to help them fulfill their dreams. I want them to go to the best college their is. I want them to do something more with their life than I am. I want them to be more than I am.

It's hard to believe that in just 51 days I will be starting the end of this chapter of my life. I will be one day closer to being in the 'real' world. I will be at school everyday. I won't have the time with my kids like I do now. I work now. But I have time for them. When I get a permanent job I won't be able to do that. I'll be spending endless hours at the school. I'll be spending every single minute of every night grading papers and making lesson plans. I won't have 'family' time. It'll be 'work' time. No time for the family. All work. I know I have all summer. That's the good part. But that's not enough. I need it EVERYDAY! It's not healthy in my mind to not have 'family' time.