I can't make up my mind.

I posted last week or the week before, I can't remember, about the whole moving issue with my sister. She wanted my house. I wanted my house. I found a house for her. She got the house. Everything worked out great. I didn't have to move and it didn't destroy our relationship.

I had off today because my grandma ended up in the hospital on Monday.. they still have no clue what's going on. I decided to come up and spend the day with her and the kids. I haven't been with the kids all week. Another story for another post. I left last night around 7, got here around 9:30.. both kids were asleep. I managed to take Preston into the hotel room without waking Abbie up while getting him out of the car and managed to not wake him up in the whole process.. I had my Celica. I put him in the room after checking in, I had called earlier on in the day and made a reservation about 3 miles from the hospital. I left him in his car seat and went back down for Abbie. She stayed asleep. Thank God. She would have NEVER gone back to sleep if she woke up. I put her in bed and went back down for the bags and Preston's playard thing. Got back up to the room, took a shower, put Preston in his playard and went to sleep.

We spent about 4 hours with my gram this morning and then left to let her have some resting time. We went up into New York to the mall. I spent some money when I shouldn't have. But oh well. After we got back I drove around town trying to get the kids to sleep.. I found this beautiful house for sale not far from my gram. I would LOVE to move up here in the summer and rent our place out. I didn't get to see the whole house. I just saw the kitchen, living room, and master bedroom. The house is still in the process of being built. I talked to the people building it.. they said it will be done by the end of summer. I arranged with the people, whatever they are, who are actually building it to come up and take a tour of it and figure out what would be best. I went back to visit my gram for awhile.. we had to leave.. she had to go have some tests done. Ryan came up after work. We both took off again tomorrow. I really shouldn't be taking off.. but it's my gram. And I can't leave her up here by herself. My dad can't leave home because of emergencies and my mom had a case in court tomorrow. My mom is supposed to come up over the weekend. Who knows. All I know is that I want my gram to get ready. I only have her and my grandpa left and my grandpa is pretty much gone. He's just here. No clue what's going on. It's wrong to say, but we all wish the day would come where he passes on and doesn't have to suffer any more. And if my gram does have something wrong with her that is pretty much terminal or whatever, I would really like to be up here. Who knows. I have awhile to think.

I know I put alot into the house. I know I shouldn't just pick up and leave the rest of my family behind. But my gram needs someone. She has no family left up here. And I feel that if something does happen to her, it's gonna be my fault, which it really isn't, because I wasn't here with her.
I don't know what I want to do. I just have 20,000 things running through my head right now. I'm sweaty. I'm miserable. I have a headache. The kids won't go to sleep. We both tried getting them to sleep and they won't. At this point, I really don't care. They can stay awake all night and be miserable tomorrow. Ryan and I both want to sleep. I'm dead tired. He's dead tired. He got off work and took the dogs over to my parents' house right away and left to come up here.

Please just keep gram in your prayers. I don't want her to leave. She's my only grandparent left.. besides my pap. But he has no clue who I am.

I'm spending the whole day at the hospital tomorrow. She has more tests and she wants me there with her. And I want to be there with her. I love her too much to let her by herself.