This was interesting..

Summary of My Year on the Computer



I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the e-mail about rat poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel
with every envelope that needs sealing.

[I knew that, I never ever lick an envelope.]

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.

[Didn't know that one. Thank for sharing though. But I don't use alot of canned stuff anyway. ]

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital
for the 1,387,258th time.

[Heh?]

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special email program.

[ I want that, I could use that money right now! thanks to gas that is now $ 3.69]

I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me,
and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

[That's interesting]

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

[Ew. I don't eat there anyway. I'm not a big fast

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants.
[I think I'll stop using deodorant now. Even though I will smell like a PIG on a hot day!]


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.

[Yes, I never do those shitish things.]

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

[What? I don't drink soda anyway. ]

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my
back seat when I'm pumping gas.

[Ohk. wow ... I hate things like that. ]

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse
to put, "Under God" on their cans.

[Really? But as I said above, I don't drink soda. It will make me fat. ]

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

[I don't use Saran wrap. It's gross. I like Tin foil.]

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in
my face... Disfiguring me for life.

[I don't boil water in the microwave anyway.. who the fuck would do that? Some pothead obviously. ]

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

[I don't use pay phones. Ew. Who knows who touched them.. ick]

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

[That's definitely true. I always walk away. ]

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise..

[I don't use them if I don't need to. But is that seriously true? ]

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

[That's gay. I don't shop that often at target anyway. Their isn't any around my house. I like Wal-Mart better.. Especially for food for mr. fatty child. ]

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan

[I have caller I.D.. it comes in handy. even though I pay extra for it. but what don't we pay extra for? ]

I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

[I couldn't live without sneakers.. But hey, enjoy your new sneakers. I love Nike and New Balance.. Nike for running.. New Balance for 'trendy'.. I really like a pair I got this year. They were like 443 or some.. somewhere around there. What is up with their number anyway? ]

I no longer buy expensive cookies from
Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

[Never heard of them. ]

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because
a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

[Ew. You have fun with that spider. I hate spiders. ]

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can live a better life now because
he's told us how to fix everything.

[?]

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick
up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably
was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

[I don't really pick money up. Someone else needs it better than I do.]

Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my car because
I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

[I hate gas. I want a hybrid. But I just got a new car. And I don't need a new one.]

If you don't send this email to at least 47,000 people
in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:47 p.m. this afternoon and the
fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's Cousin's beautician.

[Yes, I never do these things, but whatever. ]

Have a wonderful day... AND a scientist from Argentina ,
after a lengthy study, has discovered that people
with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

[Yes, I did. I needed to scroll dumb ass . Do you think I'm that stupid? I graduated third in my class asshole. ]

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too lat